What I Want My Daughter to Know

This revelation has caught me off surprise for some reason. I find myself saying all the clichés—”They grow up so fast,” “I remember when she was just a tiny baby in my arms,” and, of course, “Before you know it, she’ll be out of the home”—until I realise that the last one is true: she will be out of the house before I know it.

Then I realised it was time to take things seriously.

So I sat down, aiming to list the top ten things I want my daughter to know before she matures into a full-fledged adult. However, when I was compiling this list, I realised that, while I’m writing to Alex, this is advise I’d give to any young person in my life, regardless of gender, if they asked. As a result, I’m sharing them with you since, right or wrong, they turn out to be things in which I really believe.

1. Gender should never dictate your ability or aptitude to accomplish something. Ever. Some will try to argue that you are physiologically incapable of doing something merely because of your gender, but unless that something directly includes certain very specific contributions to the creation of a new human life, they are, plainly, wrong.

2. You may learn that you were denied an opportunity to achieve something or have something due of your gender at some time in your life. This is, without a doubt, extremely unjust and unacceptable. However, now is not the time to be bitter. You must get back up, dust yourself off, and reinvigorate your determination to keep going. It’s no reason to let someone break your spirit just because they’re too narrow-minded to see past your gender to your talents and skills.

Don’t give them that kind of authority. (And, for God’s sake, insist on equal pay and treatment for equal effort.) At the very least, you are owed this.)

3. No one has the right to touch you in a way that you don’t want to be touched. This includes your parents, lovers, friends, authority figures, and strangers. Ever.

4. Debate and disagreement are natural components of life, and they can even be enlightening. Always express yourself as respectfully as possible. But keep in mind that the instant someone tries to strengthen their case by disparaging your gender, colour, religion, or sexuality, they’ve effectively alerted you that they’re no longer interested in having a civil conversation with you.

As a result, you are free to advise them that you are no longer interested in what they have to say or that you do not believe their reasoning. ​

5. You should be proud of your gender (as well as your colour, religion or belief system, or sexuality) because it is all a part of who you are. But keep in mind that your pride should never be expressed at the price of or in denigration of another person’s gender (or race, religion or belief system or sexuality). Because that expression is typically sexist or prejudiced in some way. And, at all costs, discriminatory expressions should be avoided.

6. Whether or whether you signed up to be a role model, people younger than you will look to you as an example of appropriate behaviour as you get older. It’s important to remember that your actions have the capacity to influence the decisions and impressions of those who follow you. Use your power wisely, for good rather than ill.

7. And, while we’re on the subject, keep in mind that we live in a time where we’re all potential media: not just television, radio, newspapers, and other news channels, but also Facebook, Twitter, and all of the other online presences that we may each have and control. Remember that having access to the media gives you power. What you write or say about others might have far-reaching consequences (and this goes for things you say about someone even without mentioning his or her name, particularly if he or she is able to identify herself or himself in your words).Before you publish, think about the ramifications, and whether you decide to post or not, remember to use this power wisely, for good rather than harm.

8. There will be occasions when you are absolutely perplexed by someone of the opposing gender. Regardless of how you feel, this is not the time or place to draw broad generalisations or to assume that all persons of the opposing gender are inherently flawed. It’s the whole “one bad apple doesn’t spoil the bunch” thing. And making broad generalisations is always a risky path to go (see denigration and bigotry, No. 5, above).

9. No matter what gender you are or what gender they are, always do everything you can to fight for individuals who are unable to fight for themselves if you have the capacity. In the end, it’s the right thing to do.

10. Don’t call people names. Just don’t.

FAQ